What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 10:07
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Im still living with it.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I don,t even have a pension.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
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My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
My family never makes their pension either.
But ive been too sick for many years..
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Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
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One cannot live in the past .
And i lived it daily.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
What is your worst experience in life?
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Why did you put a guy’s dick in your mouth the first time?
The only rule us 5 kids had .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But it wasn’t much.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Put me off passion for life!!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
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I could never make a relationship work though!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
My life is so biszare .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
She wouldn,t have been !
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
So whats the point in blame.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
As i do to all so called friends.?
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
All the time i was locked up.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I think the readers, may guess!
So, i spoilt her more .
She loved him until the end.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Was to survive, this bastard.
When she asked me how she looked .
It was going to be , some day.
We all went to grammer schools
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Would this be the day?
Especially a lifetime of it.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I will be 64.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Why did i forgive my father ?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She found it foreign!.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I never cut or harmed myself..
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I waited trembling.
We were not on the streets..
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Comes on , in middle age.
He knew the spot.
Who then, do I blame.?
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I said to her
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
What did i know ?
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He resisted the act ,that day.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I have no regrets .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I was 9 years of age.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I write beautiful poetry .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
She was in good health!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I was very sick at this time too.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I was seconnd youngest,
This is soul school!.
She married twice! .
Ive learnt so much.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
But, we were locked up after school.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I was scared of men, in general
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.